Relationship advice springs eternal. Almost anyone (well, actually any man) has a platform from which to pontificate. Most of this advice is aimed at teaching women how to behave in order to garner the attention of a worthy mate (surprise, surprise). This strategy of dropping unwelcome counsel into women’s laps like an unwanted dick pic has launched careers and built multi-media fortunes.
As I surveyed the landscape, I realized that I’ve got shit to say and I want some money too. So, I am jumping into the fray and offering my own gems. I’m dropping this science on you because I couldn’t possibly be any less qualified than let’s say…a couple of comedians.
My philosophy is based upon the age-old tenets of “hear, see, and speak no evil” with one important addition – “think no evil.”
- Hear no evil. Do not listen to ANYONE, including you.
- See no evil. Why waste your time trying to unlock his iPhone? Stalk his social media? For what? Summer is fast approaching. Your time will be better spent pinning that hot, new pair of Brian Atwood sandals.
- Speak no evil. Don’t argue with your man about what you’ve heard from this one or that one. Don’t say a thing about that girl’s comment on his Instagram post. If you feel yourself needing to speak, go back and refer to #1 and #2.
- Think no evil. This is by far the most important of all the commandments. If you allow your mind to be as empty as the size 9½ rack at the Nordstrom shoe sale, you have absolutely NO material to use to break #1, #2 or #3. Mental laziness saves relationships.
Before you start with all your judgment and questions, like…
“I have my own mind!”
“Does she know about the prevalence of STDs?”
“This is America! I have freedom of speech!”
“Is she even in a relationship?”
You should take a long, introspective look back at your own dating and relationship history. Where has all that sight, sound, speech and thought really gotten you? It didn’t stop him from cheating. It didn’t save the relationship. Did it?
Most women can think of at least 20 things that they can do right now with the time spent obsessing over some perceived wrong. Notice that I didn’t say productive things. Being productive is irrelevant. I’m just saying that I’d rather go old school and contemplate my navel or maybe peruse coveteur.com ad nauseum before I waste a single second of my precious life wondering if my sig O is cheating. Maybe he is. Maybe he isn’t. But you know what? If you weren’t so busy seeing, hearing, speaking and thinking, you wouldn’t even know or care.
My friend and I were chatting one day about men and cheating and relationships and whatnot. Of course, I blessed her with my keys to relationship success.
Friend: I’m the opposite. If I think I know something, I need to try my best confirm it and prove I’m not crazy.
Me: (with a knowing, supportive smile) But if you’re not thinking, you know nothing and thereby have nothing to prove.”
I already know I’m not crazy. There’s nothing to prove.
Let me know what you think. If I disagree, I’ll let you know. 😉 dd.