Kaftans, always

My lovely and talented friend, Sandria, recently alerted me to Veronique Hyland’s NY Mag article, “How to Get Your Body Caftan-Ready for Summer.” Although I disagree with the author about a few points, mainly that wearing a kaftan means you can skip your bra and neglect basic hygiene. WTF. I do agree with her enthusiasm for kaftans and her desire to extol their virtues.

Here are a few of my own tips for wearing kaftans and some amazing ones that you can buy right now.

  • Kaftans are the true definition of GLAAAAM-OOOUUUURRR. They are not shlub wear.  They are not for the tired. Find a muumuu for that foolishness. If your breasts are natural and you will go OUTSIDE wearing your kaftans, always, ALWAYS wear a bra. If you normally shave, keep it up.
  • When it comes to kaftans, as you might guess, I lean toward the fancy. Silk for breakfasts, brunches, lunches, dinners, cocktail parties, etc. Cotton for more active daytime activities.
  • Go ahead and splurge on a designer kaftan. You’ll have it, and actually be able to WEAR it, for years.

Post beach romp.

LemLem $340

LemLem kaftanMissoni Mare $1010

Missoni Mare kaftan

TWO $370

Long Peach Kaftan with Fringe TWO


Garden party, cute & flirty kaftan realness.

The Row $1636

If you can pull off this color, this is a very versatile, enter-level choice. With the right accessories, it can be avery chic lil’ number.

The Row Kaftan Bergdorf


Day drinkin’ and ready for whatever.

ASA Kaftan $245

I ignored at first because she didn’t offer silk kaftans. She’s seen the light.


ASA Kaftan front

Cavalli $1700

Cavalli is the king of kaftans.

Roberto Cavalli kaftan


Evening stuntin’.

Camilla $600

This one’s a chameleon. Camilla is the best about giving you options.

camilla_220316_1616-1

Camilla $570

Camilla Kaftan Bergdorf

 

As you can see, there is a kaftan for every occasion, personality and style. Pace yourself while shopping. Kaftan addiction is real. You’ve been warned. dd

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Last Minute Luxe: Valentine’s Day Gift Flip

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A Successful Relationship in Four Easy Steps

Relationship advice springs eternal. Almost anyone (well, actually any man) has a platform from which to pontificate. Most of this advice is aimed at teaching women how to behave in order to garner the attention of a worthy mate (surprise, surprise). This strategy of dropping unwelcome counsel into women’s laps like an unwanted dick pic has launched careers and built multi-media fortunes.

As I surveyed the landscape, I realized that I’ve got shit to say and I want some money too. So, I am jumping into the fray and offering my own gems. I’m dropping this science on you because I couldn’t possibly be any less qualified than let’s say…a couple of comedians.

My philosophy is based upon the age-old tenets of “hear, see, and speak no evil” with one important addition – “think no evil.”

  1. Hear no evil. Do not listen to ANYONE, including you.
  2. See no evil. Why waste your time trying to unlock his iPhone? Stalk his social media? For what? Summer is fast approaching. Your time will be better spent pinning that hot, new pair of Brian Atwood sandals.
  3. Speak no evil. Don’t argue with your man about what you’ve heard from this one or that one. Don’t say a thing about that girl’s comment on his Instagram post. If you feel yourself needing to speak, go back and refer to #1 and #2.
  4. Think no evil. This is by far the most important of all the commandments. If you allow your mind to be as empty as the size 9½ rack at the Nordstrom shoe sale, you have absolutely NO material to use to break #1, #2 or #3. Mental laziness saves relationships.

Before you start with all your judgment and questions, like…

dd-infographic-3-30-15-699x654“This is ridiculous!”

“I have my own mind!”

“Does she know about the prevalence of STDs?”

“This is America! I have freedom of speech!”

“Is she even in a relationship?”

 

You should take a long, introspective look back at your own dating and relationship history. Where has all that sight, sound, speech and thought really gotten you? It didn’t stop him from cheating. It didn’t save the relationship. Did it?

Most women can think of at least 20 things that they can do right now with the time spent obsessing over some perceived wrong. Notice that I didn’t say productive things. Being productive is irrelevant. I’m just saying that I’d rather go old school and contemplate my navel or maybe peruse coveteur.com ad nauseum before I waste a single second of my precious life wondering if my sig O is cheating. Maybe he is. Maybe he isn’t. But you know what? If you weren’t so busy seeing, hearing, speaking and thinking, you wouldn’t even know or care.

My friend and I were chatting one day about men and cheating and relationships and whatnot. Of course, I blessed her with my keys to relationship success.

Friend:   I’m the opposite. If I think I know something, I need to try my best confirm it and prove I’m not crazy.

Me:    (with a knowing, supportive smile) But if you’re not thinking, you know nothing and thereby have nothing to prove.”

I already know I’m not crazy. There’s nothing to prove.

Let me know what you think. If I disagree, I’ll let you know. 😉 dd.

 

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3 Shades of Charlotte Olympia

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Though I have never nor will I EVER read the book, Charlotte Olympia has forced me to inadvertently participate in the 50 Shades of Grey phenomenon.  I ignored the nods to the pathetic bible of the sexually repressed soccer mom when it first jumped from iBook squarely onto the runway.  I ignored it all (it’s that debauchee rebellion in me) even though the trend caters to all my fashion sensibilities.

Side note: It’s just so boring.  Didn’t we already do this with 9 ½ Weeks?  Would these women be so geeked if they knew Christian or whomever would turn out to be Mickey Rourke?

The influence was almost impossible to shake with all the black lace and black leather and strappy see-through-sexiness from Jason Wu to Versace to McQueen.  All of these things are things I happen to LOVE, but I refused to enter into the shades of fray.  That was before my life was forever changed by the burgundy Dolly suede platform with ankle strap.

In its infinite genius, that shoe combines two trends that I approve – burgundy and shades-of-greyness with the ankle strap that screams French maid sexy time.  There are so many ways to wear them and I have approximately three options here.  There’s something here for every body.  So, charge up your ereader, pull out your credit card and let your freak flag fly.

Shade 1: Dolly | ASOS Curve body con midi dress |golden lace cuff

Shade 2: Dolly |sheer turtleneck | DKNY leather skirt | DVF gold belt

Shade 3: Dolly |white blouse with black trim | Lafayette 158 leather skirt

And the Jason Wu ‘Daphne’ clutch …well, the name says it all.

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debauched decoupage | twerk

I am in the process of redecorating.  Frankly, I am OBSESSED with decorating my home.  As you might imagine, my decorating philosophy is a play on scorched earth.  Translation: try to cover every square inch in quirk, kitsch and a little sophistication.  It should truly say daphne to all who cross my moat.

So one day while enjoying a kiki (surprise, surprise), I was discussing the empty space above my dueling coat closets with a fellow kiki-er.  What should go in those matching blank and rectangular spaces? Wall décor emblazoned with the words “live,” “laugh,” or “love?”  GTFOH.  No, what would be more daphne?

We poured ourselves yet another when I decided that I did want some sort of graphic art.  daphne loves the words. My name?  Although my name rolls from the tongue, the idea is not groundbreaking.  A fancy quote? Done and over.  Then, it hit me.  What words would both make me laugh and confuse and then enrage my mom every time she saw them?  “TWERK SUM’N!!!!”

Debauched decoupage was born that night.  It was my first attempt at decoupage and it was surprisingly fun and easy.  I added 3-D elements and it became an amazing collage/ debauched dream board /source of laughs.  What more can you ask of your home décor?  Dust off your acrylic heels, crank up the 2Chainz and take a look.  Whatcha think? Oh and let me know where I can find an apostrophe.  JoAnn’s didn’t have any.

 

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daphne debauchee gets schooled, part one

On a Friday after a very long week working on a very stressful and a not-so-very  rewarding project, I attended a fellatio class. A girlfriend invited me.  It was hosted by a friend of hers, sort of a Tupperware/Pampered Chef party of pleasure.  Sure I had my thoughts, questions and reservations.

“Hell, I could TEACH this class.” As Kanye/Beyonce said, “I gotta big ego…” daphne debauchee has a stadium sized one.

“This is kinda like a lame ass episode of Real Sex.”  But, don’t you miss that series? I learned sooo much.  If you’re listening, HBO, bring it back.  Please. Or, more like a rekindling of Sex and the City’s Was It Good For You? episode. ”  You know the one when Miranda gets shot in the hair by a loaded weapon during the tantric sex workshop.

“Will they have cocktails?”  With a bottle of Grey Goose tucked into my Marcie tote (just in case), I silenced my inner queries,  put my bravado in check and drove (yes, I drove!) on over.

Ladies began to assemble and I was very surprised to see that it was a very diverse audience.  Older ladies, younger ladies, pretty ladies, not-so-fortunate ladies, VPs, execs, admins, butchers, bakers, candlestick makers all represented.  All represented and were ready to suck up all the knowledge proffered. We got to know each other a little as we waited for our instructor to appear.  There were snacks and drinks.  Not snacks and drinks I enjoy, but they were there.  Goose stayed in tote.

There was a giddiness, akin to the day I first played spin the bottle at Kim Perkarske’s 12 year old birthday party, in the air.  We sat, drank and wasted waited.

The instructor finally made her ENTRANCE with her version of Sweetie from Real Housewives of ATL in tow.  “Stop that eating!!!” she yelled.  You can’t give good head on a full stomach!!!” I rolled my eyes.  I already know that, boo.  That’s why I’m only drinking and everyone knows alcohol and fellatio go together like butts and g-strings.

More to come…

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Step Right Up! Pay Attention to the Crazy Chick!

via Buzzfeed

Kate Upton is not fat. You know it. I know it. Men know it.

So why are several members of the media insistent upon sending a site run by an obviously unhappy, possibly deranged person a deluge of page views? I assume that we are so thirsty to fill the quiet with noise that we will make anything news worthy.

Back in my day, we simply ignored the crazies of the world. We surely didn’t grant them a bigger audience thus validating their insanity. Do you ever remember your mom grabbing your hand when a nut walked by and saying, “(insert your name here)! Look at the crazy man! Listen to what he has to say!” I think not.

I can hear the well-meaning dissenters. “Oh, daphne. That’s irresponsible. We have to confront these pro-anorexia sites so that young girls are not affected.” Please. With the majority of American women wearing over a size 12, it is apparent that no one’s paying this dumb site any mind, but the media and a handful of wackadoos. Yawn.

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You know what I like.

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Anti-Fashion Love. Pass me a catsuit.

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