cheap trick / holy skincare

As you may have surmised, I enjoy my expense ish.  This enjoyment bleeds into every area of my life and that includes skincare and beauty items.  Hell no, I don’t want NYX.  I want Nars.  Aveeno!  Are you crazy?  I only use Perricone.

Of course, it’s cool to say that I use Creme de la Mer moisturizer and dr. brandt pore refiner. However, as I and my skin care needs have matured, I find that some beauty maladies can be remedied without throwing a ton of cash at them.  As a matter of fact, some lower-priced, drug store products work better.

Behold the holy trinity of beauty on a dime: Amlactin Lotion, Milk of Magnesia and Hydrogen Peroxide.

Are you ashy?  Does your pedicurist cringe when she sees you walk in the door?  After your next pedi, slather on some Amlactin.  This lotion contains lactic acid which apparently is like Kryptonite to calluses and dry skin.   I promise your pedicurist will think your feet haven’t touched the ground when you return.  No, it doesn’t smell like organic, farm-to-le bain incense and myrrh, but for a measly $20 or so, you, and your pedicurist, will be singing my praises.

I just don’t like…for my pores to appear so big in pics that I look like I’m wearing flesh toned swiss cheese on my face.   Seriously, I’ve tried it all in my quest to achieve the look of Christy Turlington’s pore less skin. The products just don’t work.  Milk of Magnesia does.  Dab a TINY, repeat TINY, amount over the problem area.  Apply foundation and voila! Your skin is like Meagan Good’s.  (Maybe an exaggeration, but you know what I mean.)

For an occasional break out, OTC acne creams are the equivalent of killing an ant with a sledgehammer.  Enter hydrogen peroxide.  It’s not just for cuts and scrapes anymore.  The next time you wake up to see a zit yelling ‘Surprise!’, dab some HP on that bish, give it a couple days and au revoir.  And another thing, if sleeping over at your man’s and you don’t want to slap him in the face with your morning breath, gargle with it the night before.  Your breath will be remarkably neutral and ready for dawn delight.

And there are more.  For example, I no longer buy commercial face cleansers, but that’s another day and another post.  With all the savings, you have more money for boutiques and booze.  Don’t say I never gave you nothin’.

What are some drug store diamonds in the rough that you swear by?

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daphne debauchee gets schooled, part deux

In less than ten minutes, our instructor, I’ll call her Felicia, began rearranging our host’s furniture to create auditorium seating.  “Sweetie” began passing out three prong folders, condoms, paper plates, grapefruit and knives.  What the what? I thought we were sucking, not cutting.  I can’t imagine any man feeling very sexy if he sees you whip out a knife from your goody drawer.  Nobody’s feeling that Lorena B shit.  Anyhoo and sip.

She then set up her speaking area in the front of her makeshift classroom.  She arranged dildos, condoms, DVDs, t-shirts, jewelry, books and whatnot on the table where our host serves her children’s toaster streudel in the morning.  I turned my back to talk to my neighbor.  The nervous excitement had amplified since our instructor arrived.  Well, not just excitement.  There was an air of nervousness.  Something about showing your BJ game in front of an audience of women seemed to make the ladies a tad uncomfortable.  “Oh my god, isn’t this crazy?  Do you want me to bring you back a drink?”  Yes stranger, I do.  It’s Friday and that’s what I’m here for.

When I turned back to the front, I noticed that Felicia spread out a drop cloth beneath her.  A drop cloth from Home Depot that most of us use to protect our furniture from paint splatter had been spread over the floor and our fearless teacher was standing in the center.  What the what, part deux? Another sip and we get started.

Why the drop cloth?  Because of all the spit!  Apparently, mind-blowing fellatio requires saliva in disturbing volumes.  I’m not trying to give away all of her “secrets.”  I knock no one’s hustle, but I’ll give you the gist. There are 10 slobbery steps to the perfect blowjob.  Also, each step is so amazing that rarely have any of Felicia’s students ever had to get past step 4.  As a matter of fact, she guaranteed that any man would pop after 5 minutes.  She also guaranteed absolutely no mouth or neck strain if her steps are followed properly.  And how can I forget that she also regaled us with aspirational stories of former students who have sucked their ways into Bentley coupes.  She even told us what sounds to make.  The sound is a combination of a growl, a food processor and Darth Vader on a megaphone.  Eye roll and sip.  Thanks, nervous stranger.

Oh and you remember that grapefruit? Felicia completed her teaching by giving us the pièce de résistance –“Grapefruiting your man.”  Yes, cut a hole in your grapefruit, insert penis and manually pleasure.  Don’t forget to blindfold him.  Apparently, there is an element of surprise involved.  Ummmm.  The element of surprise is the burn that will take hold once it works its way to his balls.

I polled a man or two after I left this class inebriated and confused.  Do you like for women to re-enact Star Wars while blowing you?  Do you enjoy citrus burn in your nethers?  The consensus was no.  Oh wellsy and sip.  (I drink outside of fellatio class.  Not my fault, we were talking about balls, dammit.)

The moral of this story is if you have the opportunity to attend a fellatio workshop, attend. Yes, my instructor was as crazy as a road lizard, but intermingled in all that cuckoo were a few good tips.  Don’t suck on a full stomach.  Spit rules.  And bring your own damned bottle.

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summer sucks / i dream of fall

 

 

vBecks leather legging

1. sweet sweatercuffpussy platforms

2. best blouse evahphurry patchwork perfection , ringsuper ringblue suede bootscrossbody classic

3. jacketstripesnecklace/bow tieclutchshoes/spats

As the perspiration glistens on my skin while commuting downtown only to be greeted by indoor temperatures equivalent to those of the Arctic, I dream of fall.  Because I hate summer.  Yeah, I said it.  Hate may seem like a strong word even though there are a few things I enjoy about summer – al fresco dining, the giddiness on the faces of city dwellers, street festivals.  But none of those things make up for 90+ temps, not knowing how to dress appropriately for work and the ubiquity of flip flops.

I dream of layers, boots, hats, scarves, darker, richer colors. So as I dream, like a lot of you, I surf.  No, I do not surf the waves, I surf all of my favorite fashion sites  for fall clothes that inspire me whether I can afford or fit them or not.  During one of these dreams, I came across a fall item of clothing that made me calculate how many meals I would need to miss to squeeeeeeze myself into it and if selling my eggs was actually a viable option.

That dreamy item of clothing is the Victoria Beckham midrise leather legging.  It is perfection.  It gives you the comfort and easy wear of a legging while stepping it up several notches in luxury and kickassery.  And unlike other leather leggings that tend to be on the low rise side, the rise in these bad girls is high enough to be easily worn by those over 20 with several cans short of a six pack.

And since I’m dreaming, I thought of ALL the ways I would wear ‘em.  A debauchee can dream can’t she?

 

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I could watch for several minutes

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It’s freakin’ mesmerizing, I tell you. Make sure the volume is up. Move your cursor around. It’s 360.

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This is daphne debauchee…kinda.

“Certain Uncertainties” by Christian Vincent best encompasses daphne debauchee. It reminds me of a beautiful experience. One that I want to repeat over and over and over and over….

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This that ish ‘d’ don’t like

 

Although I usually try to keep it very positive, there are certain things I don’t like.  So that we can get to know each other and as a tribute to Chief Keef’s  (actually Kanye’s remix) I Don’t Like, here is a list of ten things daphne debauchee don’t (doesn’t – I just can’t) like.

  1. People who use the term “red bottoms”
  2. Excuses
  3. Men/women who don’t like me
  4. Thongs
  5. Fake designer bags, fake flowers
  6. Kitten heels
  7. Cheap booze
  8. Brunches with bottoms
  9. Canvas monogram Coach bags
  10. Patriarchy/misogyny that creates systems that crush women and their sexuality with their rules…woooooo-saaaaaah
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