Tag Archives: relationships

Best Wishes, Ciara & Russ! I’m Still Smiling

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Last Minute Luxe: Valentine’s Day Gift Flip

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A Successful Relationship in Four Easy Steps

Relationship advice springs eternal. Almost anyone (well, actually any man) has a platform from which to pontificate. Most of this advice is aimed at teaching women how to behave in order to garner the attention of a worthy mate (surprise, surprise). This strategy of dropping unwelcome counsel into women’s laps like an unwanted dick pic has launched careers and built multi-media fortunes.

As I surveyed the landscape, I realized that I’ve got shit to say and I want some money too. So, I am jumping into the fray and offering my own gems. I’m dropping this science on you because I couldn’t possibly be any less qualified than let’s say…a couple of comedians.

My philosophy is based upon the age-old tenets of “hear, see, and speak no evil” with one important addition – “think no evil.”

  1. Hear no evil. Do not listen to ANYONE, including you.
  2. See no evil. Why waste your time trying to unlock his iPhone? Stalk his social media? For what? Summer is fast approaching. Your time will be better spent pinning that hot, new pair of Brian Atwood sandals.
  3. Speak no evil. Don’t argue with your man about what you’ve heard from this one or that one. Don’t say a thing about that girl’s comment on his Instagram post. If you feel yourself needing to speak, go back and refer to #1 and #2.
  4. Think no evil. This is by far the most important of all the commandments. If you allow your mind to be as empty as the size 9½ rack at the Nordstrom shoe sale, you have absolutely NO material to use to break #1, #2 or #3. Mental laziness saves relationships.

Before you start with all your judgment and questions, like…

dd-infographic-3-30-15-699x654“This is ridiculous!”

“I have my own mind!”

“Does she know about the prevalence of STDs?”

“This is America! I have freedom of speech!”

“Is she even in a relationship?”

 

You should take a long, introspective look back at your own dating and relationship history. Where has all that sight, sound, speech and thought really gotten you? It didn’t stop him from cheating. It didn’t save the relationship. Did it?

Most women can think of at least 20 things that they can do right now with the time spent obsessing over some perceived wrong. Notice that I didn’t say productive things. Being productive is irrelevant. I’m just saying that I’d rather go old school and contemplate my navel or maybe peruse coveteur.com ad nauseum before I waste a single second of my precious life wondering if my sig O is cheating. Maybe he is. Maybe he isn’t. But you know what? If you weren’t so busy seeing, hearing, speaking and thinking, you wouldn’t even know or care.

My friend and I were chatting one day about men and cheating and relationships and whatnot. Of course, I blessed her with my keys to relationship success.

Friend:   I’m the opposite. If I think I know something, I need to try my best confirm it and prove I’m not crazy.

Me:    (with a knowing, supportive smile) But if you’re not thinking, you know nothing and thereby have nothing to prove.”

I already know I’m not crazy. There’s nothing to prove.

Let me know what you think. If I disagree, I’ll let you know. 😉 dd.

 

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daphne debauchee gets schooled, part one

On a Friday after a very long week working on a very stressful and a not-so-very  rewarding project, I attended a fellatio class. A girlfriend invited me.  It was hosted by a friend of hers, sort of a Tupperware/Pampered Chef party of pleasure.  Sure I had my thoughts, questions and reservations.

“Hell, I could TEACH this class.” As Kanye/Beyonce said, “I gotta big ego…” daphne debauchee has a stadium sized one.

“This is kinda like a lame ass episode of Real Sex.”  But, don’t you miss that series? I learned sooo much.  If you’re listening, HBO, bring it back.  Please. Or, more like a rekindling of Sex and the City’s Was It Good For You? episode. ”  You know the one when Miranda gets shot in the hair by a loaded weapon during the tantric sex workshop.

“Will they have cocktails?”  With a bottle of Grey Goose tucked into my Marcie tote (just in case), I silenced my inner queries,  put my bravado in check and drove (yes, I drove!) on over.

Ladies began to assemble and I was very surprised to see that it was a very diverse audience.  Older ladies, younger ladies, pretty ladies, not-so-fortunate ladies, VPs, execs, admins, butchers, bakers, candlestick makers all represented.  All represented and were ready to suck up all the knowledge proffered. We got to know each other a little as we waited for our instructor to appear.  There were snacks and drinks.  Not snacks and drinks I enjoy, but they were there.  Goose stayed in tote.

There was a giddiness, akin to the day I first played spin the bottle at Kim Perkarske’s 12 year old birthday party, in the air.  We sat, drank and wasted waited.

The instructor finally made her ENTRANCE with her version of Sweetie from Real Housewives of ATL in tow.  “Stop that eating!!!” she yelled.  You can’t give good head on a full stomach!!!” I rolled my eyes.  I already know that, boo.  That’s why I’m only drinking and everyone knows alcohol and fellatio go together like butts and g-strings.

More to come…

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