In less than ten minutes, our instructor, I’ll call her Felicia, began rearranging our host’s furniture to create auditorium seating. “Sweetie” began passing out three prong folders, condoms, paper plates, grapefruit and knives. What the what? I thought we were sucking, not cutting. I can’t imagine any man feeling very sexy if he sees you whip out a knife from your goody drawer. Nobody’s feeling that Lorena B shit. Anyhoo and sip.
She then set up her speaking area in the front of her makeshift classroom. She arranged dildos, condoms, DVDs, t-shirts, jewelry, books and whatnot on the table where our host serves her children’s toaster streudel in the morning. I turned my back to talk to my neighbor. The nervous excitement had amplified since our instructor arrived. Well, not just excitement. There was an air of nervousness. Something about showing your BJ game in front of an audience of women seemed to make the ladies a tad uncomfortable. “Oh my god, isn’t this crazy? Do you want me to bring you back a drink?” Yes stranger, I do. It’s Friday and that’s what I’m here for.
When I turned back to the front, I noticed that Felicia spread out a drop cloth beneath her. A drop cloth from Home Depot that most of us use to protect our furniture from paint splatter had been spread over the floor and our fearless teacher was standing in the center. What the what, part deux? Another sip and we get started.
Why the drop cloth? Because of all the spit! Apparently, mind-blowing fellatio requires saliva in disturbing volumes. I’m not trying to give away all of her “secrets.” I knock no one’s hustle, but I’ll give you the gist. There are 10 slobbery steps to the perfect blowjob. Also, each step is so amazing that rarely have any of Felicia’s students ever had to get past step 4. As a matter of fact, she guaranteed that any man would pop after 5 minutes. She also guaranteed absolutely no mouth or neck strain if her steps are followed properly. And how can I forget that she also regaled us with aspirational stories of former students who have sucked their ways into Bentley coupes. She even told us what sounds to make. The sound is a combination of a growl, a food processor and Darth Vader on a megaphone. Eye roll and sip. Thanks, nervous stranger.
Oh and you remember that grapefruit? Felicia completed her teaching by giving us the pièce de résistance –“Grapefruiting your man.” Yes, cut a hole in your grapefruit, insert penis and manually pleasure. Don’t forget to blindfold him. Apparently, there is an element of surprise involved. Ummmm. The element of surprise is the burn that will take hold once it works its way to his balls.
I polled a man or two after I left this class inebriated and confused. Do you like for women to re-enact Star Wars while blowing you? Do you enjoy citrus burn in your nethers? The consensus was no. Oh wellsy and sip. (I drink outside of fellatio class. Not my fault, we were talking about balls, dammit.)
The moral of this story is if you have the opportunity to attend a fellatio workshop, attend. Yes, my instructor was as crazy as a road lizard, but intermingled in all that cuckoo were a few good tips. Don’t suck on a full stomach. Spit rules. And bring your own damned bottle.